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Paris started school, and since Paris didn't know how to speak fluent English, she would get bullied. Her classmates would make fun of her and even her own teacher would grab her very hard and leave her bruises in her arms. Paris was a very smart bright girl yet her teacher would flunk her on purpose and lie to others she wasnt smart.
Paris would come home smiling to her mother acting like everything was alright. Her mother would ask, "how was school?" Paris would lie and say she had a great day. When in reality she didn't . She knew her mother had enough on her plate to be worrying about her own problems.
Paris was scared to tell her mother about what was happening in school. She knew her mother was an imagrant and they could easily take her away from seeing her ever again, she knew how this society worked.
Till one day Paris had got enough of it and she decided to explain what they did to her . Her mother couldn't bare thinking what they had done to her daughter. Paris's mother went to school and yelled at her teacher. After that she was placed with a great teacher and even bumped grades up of how smart she was.
After school Paris would help her mom sell Indian food so they could have enough money for the bills. And after that she would walk to a nearby park to sell candy to help her mom for the expensive medications.
Paris's mother would get tired easily she was very weak and stiff. Paris would lay in bed with her and play with her hair and tell her "mother I will one day become a great doctor and find a cure for you, I promise!"
Years past and Paris's mother couldn't work no more she would be in bed all day. Her body was giving up on her. Paris would go to school and after that she would work in Donut shop to buy her mother medications and the bills . Then she would come home to take care of her mother. Paris mother tells her to lay with her and she begins playing with her hair, and her mother says, "thank you Paris I don't know what I would do without you. I thank the Lord for such a wonderful hardworking daughter, I'm so proud of you ." Paris tells her mom ," no, mom, thank you for helping me. Without your help I wouldn't be where I am today"
Paris's mother looked up at her with a big smile and was again proud of her daughter.
After hard work and dedication Paris later graduated, she was the first Indian elected to work as a doctor. She couldn't wait to tell her mother the great news ! She could just imagine her mother's reaction. Paris came home quickly and yelled ! "Mother!!!!! You won't believe it, im the first Indian to be licensed as a doctor!!! She ran to the room and saw her mother "mom???"
She tapped her mother and said "wakeup up mom ." Mom!!!! She realized Her mother had died in her sleep , she would cry "mommy please don't leave me!! Please !!!!"
She felt as If a knife had stabbed her right in the chest. "Nooooo!!! Wakeup please !!!!" She cried and cried for several days...
Months past and and Paris was still very sad about her mother's death. Paris came home and she would grab the frame of her mothers picture and would talk to her as if she was there.
She had tears on her eyes falling right down her checks bones and would get on her knees and say, "mom, I have some great news for you, i..... I finally found the cure, the cure to your disease!
Yes, I know it's late now but I i promised you I was gonna find one. She would cry louder and louder and say, "I just wish you were here! So i could lay next to you and play with your hair and could tell you finding the cure wasn't easy but I promised you I would find one and I did. I love you Mama."
- Nisha Ward
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I agree with you, there seem to be some missing details. It ended so fast. Great story though. Keep it up.Sleipnir_Drew wrote: ↑16 Jul 2019, 19:45Such an eye-watering story. It could be great, although I think you go a little too fast. You maybe could slow down on certain important parts of the story? Also, a little editing wouldn't hurt anyone, it would make this a lot better and achieve a more compelling story, in my humblest opinion. I loved the story, don't get me wrong. It was very easy for me to visualize what was happening. Keep it going!
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This jumps around. She goes to US because it is great, then they are the world's most evil people. Then she is the first Indian doctor. That happened more than 100 years ago. Is this 1790's? She finds the cure in a few months?
Make up your mind. Are you writing about a mother and child, or about how evil US is? You seem to know little about doctors or, US schools. How about writing about something you know about first hand, not what you think you know from watching commercial news? Write what you know. Best of luck.
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