The book with bullet holes.

Use this forum to post poetry that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links. Only one poem per topic please.
Post Reply
User avatar
ncoard
Posts: 29
Joined: 01 May 2016, 20:05
Bookshelf Size: 0

The book with bullet holes.

Post by ncoard »

I loved her in the way that the love songs
and romance novels told me I would,
I loved her enough to outline every trauma like it was a book I’m writing.
‘Here is where the abandonment issues come in, 

here’s what happened after he didn’t take no for an answer and I learned I didn’t own my own body,

here’s the part where I cut myself apart to fit what she wanted only for her to tear my throat out, 

here’s the beginning of healing followed by the belittling and cruelty, 
then there’s the part where I realise how angry I am at the world

and at myself too,
most days.’

I told her every secret I had trapped inside my chest,

showed her every flaw,
revealed every fear, every dream, every hope.
I gave her everything I had, over and over,
and like every tragic story,
you can give your everything,
but it's never going to be enough.

There's no happy ending here.

So I’m left standing here,
with my heart in my hand,
wondering when the bleeding will stop.
I'm wondering whether if this was how
the story was supposed to go,
wondering what more I could've given her.

You see, this is how it goes.
You care, then you love, and you love, and you love,
and then you lose.
Then you give her another chance.
Because you love her, right? Because that has to be enough, right? Because it'll be better this time, right? Right?
Maybe if you say it enough you'll believe it. Maybe if you tell enough people you want her still you'll convince yourself.

This is how it goes.
You’re fighting over a gun and then there’s a bullet lodged in one of your ribs and —— No one is quite sure who pulled the trigger.
Both of your hands smell like gun powder
but you don't have the guts to tell her that she's the one
who brought a gun, that she's the one who loaded the bullet in the barrel.

She apologises
As if the words are bandaids, as if that can fix this.
She says she’s sorry,
And that she’s sorry.
And that she’s sorry.
But I’m still bleeding.

This is how the story goes, I guess.
This is the ending of the book.
Even if it was the one story I thought would never end.
Everything always ends.

I’m still bleeding. And she’s apologising.

Yeah. I guess I’m sorry too.
_Delly_01
Posts: 276
Joined: 23 Jan 2018, 20:43
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 14
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-delly-01.html
Latest Review: Sigfried’s Smelly Socks! by Len Foley

Post by _Delly_01 »

I definitely felt something while reading this. The part about the gun, and both people's hands smelling like gun powder, and no one knowing who pulled the trigger was a very potent section. You have conveyed the sense of being helpless and hopeless very well.

Something you could consider working, on is where you place your line breaks. For example, you have written:

"but you don't have the guts to tell her that she's the one
who brought a gun, that she's the one who loaded the bullet in the barrel."

Perhaps consider this suggestion:

"but you don't have the guts to tell her that she's
the one who brought a gun, that
she's the one who loaded the bullet in the barrel."

It focuses more on 'her' actions of being the one to bring the gun. It strengthens the metaphor a little bit. It reinforces the helplessness and hopeless the other person feels for her bringing the gun, and draws attention to the fact that she brought a gun in the first place, rather than the gun itself. It's just a suggestion, though, and totally up to you.

My favourite part is where you mention a bullet being lodged between the ribs. Less is more, and drawing the reader's attention to the ribs rather than directly saying 'a bullet to the heart' has a much stronger impact. It was a clever use of show rather than tell where you didn't give a literal sense of the heart, but emphasised the feeling of being emotionally destroyed based on a well-known symbol of love. It is darker and more mysterious the way you've written it, and requires more from the reader to be engaged with the writing, and it definitely pays off.

I don't know if I've explained myself well, and if I haven't, I'm sorry. But just know that I did enjoy reading this.
Post Reply

Return to “Creative Original Works: Poetry”