I don't remember

Use this forum to post short stories that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links.
Post Reply
User avatar
davidvan1973
Posts: 24
Joined: 31 Mar 2014, 19:55
Favorite Author: Isaac Asimov
Bookshelf Size: 0
fav_author_id: 2547

I don't remember

Post by davidvan1973 »

I don’t remember . . . It's one of the many lies I tell myself. I don’t remember when I became numb to the blood. Lie – it was the third time.
I don’t remember when I first laughed at it. Lie – it was the fifth time.
I don’t remember how old I was when I first had the idea. Lie – I was nineteen years 4 months and 6 days old.
I don’t remember how many. Honestly, even I laugh at that statement.
FBI Special Agent Hagens fails to see the humor in it. He shifts in his chair, looking everywhere in the room except for me. “A ballpark figure?” he says.
“For what?” I said. My face blank, eyes pleading for more clarity on his question.
Special Agent Hagens throws his pen on his notebook. His face takes a bright red hue and I see the veins bulging in his muscular neck.
I don’t remember how many times I’ve made him upset. Lie – 18 times in the last 32 hours.
“Women! For f*ck’s sake.”
“Killed? Kidnapped? Raped?” My lip curls upward just a little bit. I don’t want to overdo it and tip them off as to how much I’m loving this. I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt this alive. Lie – 22 days 6 hours and 16 minutes ago. Her name was Cheryl. She added 1 to each of the categories.
Special Agent Hagens sat shaking his head, which I was certain was about to explode. His hands flexed into fists several times. I could smell the rage simmering just below his skin.
I don’t remember seeing anyone this close to total loss of control. Lie – The first time. I’ll never forget my rage-filled face staring back at me in the mirror. 22 years 2 months 16 days – I glance at the ticking clock on the wall behind Special Agent Hagens. 22 years 2 months 16 days 4 hours and 15 minutes.
User avatar
DATo
Previous Member of the Month
Posts: 5772
Joined: 31 Dec 2011, 07:54
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by DATo »

Very interesting structure! Often people who get too experimental with their writing drop the ball with a loud bang, but you did a nice job with this. My compliments.
“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”
― Steven Wright
User avatar
Tygrett
Posts: 7
Joined: 21 Mar 2020, 22:40
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by Tygrett »

Somehow I felt it predictable. Like a mental illness completely consumed with numbers or dates, minutes or seconds. At first, the reading was refreshing then turned monotonous. It was the numbers...overplayed.
The first 2 sentences tell us he is a pathological liar, a serial trait.
...became numb to the blood" is a great opportunity to expand on gore and the horror of what his crime scenes looked like, smelled like and the ultimate fusion or confusion lingering between life and death. The power he had and his desire for control. The victim(s)? Their breathing, fear, or thoughts. TAKE ME TO THAT PLACE! Let me see it, feel it and taste it. For a split second, I want to be that killer if only to understand him.
I love the third sentence where he knows exactly how long he's been on this earth, yet "I don't remember". Brilliant contrast!
I want to see Agent Hagens down to the little flecks of skin he pulls from his fingernails during anxious times and his cubical with the American flag and photos of his ex-wife and kids.

..."face takes a bright red hue and I see the veins bulging in his muscular neck." I want to see more. His respiratory rate increases and those veins pounding from the arterial flow behind them, the sheen of fresh sweat, the subtle cringe on his face of disgust and disillusion.

..."I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt this alive. Lie – 22 days 6 hours and 16 minutes ago." The very best sentence of the entire piece! He's in control, he knows how many seconds since he felt alive. It is his fuel, passion, will and this sentence says that. Then I knew something like: "Her name was Cheryl.", was next. Predictable in an unpredictable environment; an "investigation" where they are seeking the truth. Again, I wanted more anticipation before that spoiler though clever, just not clever enough.

Go deeper into his mind. Spend your next day off work waking up like him. Start from the dream that woke him up from deep REM sleep and brought him to the surface where he skimmed reality and hadn't fully opened his eyes in his delusions.

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity. It was inspiring!
User avatar
Simran_august12
Posts: 2
Joined: 22 Mar 2020, 23:34
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by Simran_august12 »

excellent piece of writing. the short sentences, the stuccato writing style; works for me!
User avatar
Coolfrets
Posts: 1
Joined: 03 Apr 2020, 23:17
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by Coolfrets »

I liked how it was somewhat predictable but yet different and interesting. You managed to put a decent amount of work into only a little bit of writing and for that, I say good job!
User avatar
Frannie Annie
Posts: 231
Joined: 15 May 2019, 15:27
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 52
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-frannie-annie.html
Latest Review: Emergence by Shira Shiloah

Post by Frannie Annie »

This guy was creepy and fascinating at the same time. Good job!
Sumansona1344
Posts: 162
Joined: 01 May 2020, 00:27
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 16
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-sumansona1344.html
Latest Review: Masters and Bastards by Christopher J. Penington

Post by Sumansona1344 »

Tygrett wrote: 22 Mar 2020, 16:40 Somehow I felt it predictable. Like a mental illness completely consumed with numbers or dates, minutes or seconds. At first, the reading was refreshing then turned monotonous. It was the numbers...overplayed.
The first 2 sentences tell us he is a pathological liar, a serial trait.
...became numb to the blood" is a great opportunity to expand on gore and the horror of what his crime scenes looked like, smelled like and the ultimate fusion or confusion lingering between life and death. The power he had and his desire for control. The victim(s)? Their breathing, fear, or thoughts. TAKE ME TO THAT PLACE! Let me see it, feel it and taste it. For a split second, I want to be that killer if only to understand him.
I love the third sentence where he knows exactly how long he's been on this earth, yet "I don't remember". Brilliant contrast!
I want to see Agent Hagens down to the little flecks of skin he pulls from his fingernails during anxious times and his cubical with the American flag and photos of his ex-wife and kids.

..."face takes a bright red hue and I see the veins bulging in his muscular neck." I want to see more. His respiratory rate increases and those veins pounding from the arterial flow behind them, the sheen of fresh sweat, the subtle cringe on his face of disgust and disillusion.

..."I don’t remember the last time I’ve felt this alive. Lie – 22 days 6 hours and 16 minutes ago." The very best sentence of the entire piece! He's in control, he knows how many seconds since he felt alive. It is his fuel, passion, will and this sentence says that. Then I knew something like: "Her name was Cheryl.", was next. Predictable in an unpredictable environment; an "investigation" where they are seeking the truth. Again, I wanted more anticipation before that spoiler though clever, just not clever enough.

Go deeper into his mind. Spend your next day off work waking up like him. Start from the dream that woke him up from deep REM sleep and brought him to the surface where he skimmed reality and hadn't fully opened his eyes in his delusions.

Thank you for this wonderful opportunity. It was inspiring!
I really liked how you explained this! I agree with you at lot of points. The starting was peedictable and I also wanted to know the murderer. Like really know him from inside - what made him this way? What did he do? What does he really feel deep inside? I got curious about his personality.
User avatar
RachelEmmanuel
Posts: 334
Joined: 24 May 2020, 19:46
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 56
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-rachelemmanuel.html
Latest Review: Daddy’s Baby Mama’s Maybe by Come Lamore
Reading Device: B00IKPYKWG

Post by RachelEmmanuel »

Such a creepy character. You described him artfully without an excess of words.
User avatar
Elvis Best
Posts: 1272
Joined: 12 Oct 2017, 02:36
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 86
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-elvis-best.html
Latest Review: Teething Problems by Mark Fletcher

Post by Elvis Best »

Pretty creepy stuff, but entertaining and deep.
"People are like stained-glass windows. They sparkle and shine when the sun is out, but when the darkness sets in, their true beauty is revealed only if there is a light from within." -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
User avatar
Amalia Lantano
Posts: 84
Joined: 22 Apr 2020, 04:03
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 16
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-amalia-lantano.html
Latest Review: We are Voulhire: The Fires of Virko by Matthew Tysz

Post by Amalia Lantano »

I feel like its incomplete.. but I guess that is the beauty of short stories.
User avatar
Joseph_ngaruiya
Posts: 1198
Joined: 09 Apr 2020, 09:37
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 76
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-joseph-ngaruiya.html
Latest Review: The Napoleone's heroes by Gianfranco Menghini

Post by Joseph_ngaruiya »

DATo wrote: 15 Mar 2020, 08:04 Very interesting structure! Often people who get too experimental with their writing drop the ball with a loud bang, but you did a nice job with this. My compliments.
Quite engaging, I like it too.
Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishment.
User avatar
shamayelnur
Posts: 196
Joined: 02 Jul 2020, 08:50
Favorite Author: Stephen King
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 23
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-shamayelnur.html
Latest Review: Worldlines by Adam Guest
fav_author_id: 2376

Post by shamayelnur »

the story was really interesting. and the open ended plot is a pleasurable cliffhanger
Post Reply

Return to “Creative Original Works: Short Stories”