The Sparrow's Song By Jamie B.

Use this forum to post short stories that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links.
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Re: The Sparrow's Song By Jamie B.

Post by boardj »

Areej Tahir wrote:
16 Jul 2019, 11:13
This was so cute and such a good read especially after a stressful day!
I'm so glad to hear that! Thank you so much and I'm glad your day got better, sorry it was stressful for you!

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Post by mary-annef »

A surprising ending - I expected the cat to eat her! "Buttons licked his paw to groom himself and looks at me" sounded a bit sinister, as though Buttons was imagining what she'd taste like. But if you're intending this as a children's' story, don't change it.

One phrase struck me as odd. "I could tell he was in heavy thought." Did you mean "deep in thought?" I associate "heavy thoughts" with being depressed but it might just be me.

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Thumbs up for Pi because she managed to escape with the help of her partner in crime Buttons. That route to the enjoy of freedom was not easy. While reading, I noticed that you chose the simplest vocabulary, but still managed to portray sadness and then happiness. Your story is a good read indeed.

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