The Squash Fairy

Use this forum to post short stories that you have written. This is for getting comments and constructive feedback. This is for original, creative works. You must post the actual text, no links.
Post Reply
amsula_2018
Posts: 204
Joined: 16 May 2018, 03:39
2019 Reading Goal: 2
2018 Reading Goal: 30
2018 Reading Goal Completion: 60
Favorite Book: Angels & Demons
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 41
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-amsula-2018.html
Latest Review: The Traveler's Best Seller by Rick Incorvia

The Squash Fairy

Post by amsula_2018 » 09 Nov 2018, 03:39

Lanie and Amie are sisters living in an island surrounded by fruit bearing trees and vegetables. Amie is preparing their breakfast while Lanie segregates the fruits in their sizes. Amie is in charge of picking up the fruits and vegetables while Lanie is in charge of selling it. Amie stays at home to tend for the plants. Amie always pray for the safety of her sister.

One night Amie dreamt of a huge tsunami that washed their house and it includes her and her sister. She immediately woke up and told her sister about it. Lanie dismissed her dream and told her that it is just a dream and they should go together in the market to sell the fruits and vegetables. Amie agreed. When they arrived at the Small Town, an earthquake shook the ground and everyone noticed an incoming tsunami afterwards. Amie prayed that their house is spared from the tsunami. They have nowhere else to stay if it is destroyed. The wave was so high that Lanie and Amie thought it would be their last. They hugged each other for the incoming impact but they are surprised that a shield protected the entire town from the tsunami. Moments later, the Mayor advised them to stay in the shelter for few days before they go back to the island. Reliefs were provided for those who does not live in the Small Town and for those whose homes are destroyed by the earthquake. Many are still curious of why they are spared by the tsunami but Lanie and Amie are just glad that they are alive.

Days later, Lanie and Amie bought several seeds and few building materials to fix whatever is left of their home. When they arrived at their island, they expect the worse but they are surprised of what they saw. Their house is intact and all the vegetables and the trees that surrounds their house are safe.

The night has come and Amie dreamt that a boy was stabbed to death and wished that such would never come to pass. Then she heard a voice. A voice of an old woman.

"Are you sure this is your third wish? You know that after your third wish, you will take my place as the squash fairy."

"What do you mean third? What is the first and second?"

"You wished that your island would be spared by the tsunami and the small town would be spared from the tsunami."

"I see but why would you like me to take your place as a squash fairy?"

"Because you love nature and you are good."

"Why would you give up immortality?"

"All the people I cared for are all gone and I wish to join them in afterlife."

"Yes, I would take your place but save the boy in my dream."

"Granted."

Amie's hair turned into gold and her clothes were changed into green dress. The boy was saved but Amie was not told that she cannot be seen by her sister. Lanie searched for her sister in all town. Amie is always looking after of her sister wherever she goes and when she is in the market, she leaves and do her duty. She does all the duty of a squash fairy and other fairies took notice of her dedication. The flower fairy asked the squash fairy if there is something that she wishes. She told her that she wants to be with her sister. The flower fairy smiled.

Days turned into years and everyday, Amie sees her sister before she goes to work. A celebration was to be given to the new flower fairy. Amie was reluctant to go to the celebration but was asked by the Light fairy to come. She went to the celebration and saw that the new flower fairy is her sister Lanie. They hugged each other tightly. THE END.
"If you can't reduce your argument to a few crisp words and phrases,
there's something wrong with your argument." ~ M. Saatchi

amsula_2018
Posts: 204
Joined: 16 May 2018, 03:39
2019 Reading Goal: 2
2018 Reading Goal: 30
2018 Reading Goal Completion: 60
Favorite Book: Angels & Demons
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 41
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-amsula-2018.html
Latest Review: The Traveler's Best Seller by Rick Incorvia

Post by amsula_2018 » 10 Nov 2018, 21:46

I am open for any comments and suggestions to improve my writing skills. Thanks!
"If you can't reduce your argument to a few crisp words and phrases,
there's something wrong with your argument." ~ M. Saatchi

User avatar
A G Darr
Posts: 93
Joined: 02 Oct 2018, 17:33
Currently Reading: Roadmap to the end of days
Bookshelf Size: 28
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-a-g-darr.html
Latest Review: The Undying Queen of Ur by Abraham Kawa & Arahom Radjah

Post by A G Darr » 19 Nov 2018, 12:41

You need to work on your tone. It does not sound like you're telling a story, but more like you are explaining the idea of a story. For example, in your opening paragraph you write, "Lanie and Amie are sisters living in an island surrounded by fruit bearing trees and vegetables.Amie is preparing their breakfast while Lanie segregates the fruits in their sizes" You could write something more like, "Lanie and Amie lived on an island surrounded by fruit bearing trees and gardens full of vegetables. The sisters worked separately that morning. Amie prepared their breakfast while Lanie separated the fruits by their sizes".

You don't want to use a clinical explanatorily tone. The point of a story is not just to tell facts. You are painting a picture with your words.

Beyond the tone, the idea of the story is cute, and it is sweet the sisters reunite in the end.

amsula_2018
Posts: 204
Joined: 16 May 2018, 03:39
2019 Reading Goal: 2
2018 Reading Goal: 30
2018 Reading Goal Completion: 60
Favorite Book: Angels & Demons
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 41
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-amsula-2018.html
Latest Review: The Traveler's Best Seller by Rick Incorvia

Post by amsula_2018 » 15 Dec 2018, 18:19

A G Darr wrote:
19 Nov 2018, 12:41
You need to work on your tone. It does not sound like you're telling a story, but more like you are explaining the idea of a story. For example, in your opening paragraph you write, "Lanie and Amie are sisters living in an island surrounded by fruit bearing trees and vegetables.Amie is preparing their breakfast while Lanie segregates the fruits in their sizes" You could write something more like, "Lanie and Amie lived on an island surrounded by fruit bearing trees and gardens full of vegetables. The sisters worked separately that morning. Amie prepared their breakfast while Lanie separated the fruits by their sizes".

You don't want to use a clinical explanatorily tone. The point of a story is not just to tell facts. You are painting a picture with your words.

Beyond the tone, the idea of the story is cute, and it is sweet the sisters reunite in the end.
Thank you for your time in giving me some area to improve on. Thanks!
"If you can't reduce your argument to a few crisp words and phrases,
there's something wrong with your argument." ~ M. Saatchi

User avatar
Kbosws94
Posts: 1
Joined: 26 Feb 2018, 00:38
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by Kbosws94 » 13 Jan 2019, 00:25

I thought the story was good but skipped around little bit

User avatar
xavdog
Posts: 1
Joined: 15 Jan 2019, 01:43
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by xavdog » 15 Jan 2019, 01:47

overall great story but you should work on the tone of the book. Sounds more like a robot. Keep up the good work :D

amsula_2018
Posts: 204
Joined: 16 May 2018, 03:39
2019 Reading Goal: 2
2018 Reading Goal: 30
2018 Reading Goal Completion: 60
Favorite Book: Angels & Demons
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 41
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-amsula-2018.html
Latest Review: The Traveler's Best Seller by Rick Incorvia

Post by amsula_2018 » 24 Jan 2019, 01:09

Kbosws94 wrote:
13 Jan 2019, 00:25
I thought the story was good but skipped around little bit
So... You don't like the story? Please tell me why you skipped so that I can improve it better. Thanks for your time reading it by the way.
"If you can't reduce your argument to a few crisp words and phrases,
there's something wrong with your argument." ~ M. Saatchi

amsula_2018
Posts: 204
Joined: 16 May 2018, 03:39
2019 Reading Goal: 2
2018 Reading Goal: 30
2018 Reading Goal Completion: 60
Favorite Book: Angels & Demons
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 41
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-amsula-2018.html
Latest Review: The Traveler's Best Seller by Rick Incorvia

Post by amsula_2018 » 24 Jan 2019, 01:10

xavdog wrote:
15 Jan 2019, 01:47
overall great story but you should work on the tone of the book. Sounds more like a robot. Keep up the good work :D
Like a robot? Is it in a whole or in a part? I'm just curious.
"If you can't reduce your argument to a few crisp words and phrases,
there's something wrong with your argument." ~ M. Saatchi

User avatar
SunVixen
Posts: 220
Joined: 23 Jan 2019, 05:44
Currently Reading:
Bookshelf Size: 71
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-sunvixen.html
Latest Review: The Fox by M. N. J. Butler

Post by SunVixen » 11 Jun 2019, 11:53

A G Darr wrote:
19 Nov 2018, 12:41
You need to work on your tone. It does not sound like you're telling a story, but more like you are explaining the idea of a story. For example, in your opening paragraph you write, "Lanie and Amie are sisters living in an island surrounded by fruit bearing trees and vegetables.Amie is preparing their breakfast while Lanie segregates the fruits in their sizes" You could write something more like, "Lanie and Amie lived on an island surrounded by fruit bearing trees and gardens full of vegetables. The sisters worked separately that morning. Amie prepared their breakfast while Lanie separated the fruits by their sizes".

You don't want to use a clinical explanatorily tone. The point of a story is not just to tell facts. You are painting a picture with your words.

Beyond the tone, the idea of the story is cute, and it is sweet the sisters reunite in the end.
I can tell you the same thing. Very cute and nice story, but the language could be better.

User avatar
Jiya bothara
Posts: 11
Joined: 26 Jul 2019, 07:17
Favorite Book: Anne of Green Gables
Currently Reading: Man Mission
Bookshelf Size: 16

Post by Jiya bothara » 31 Jul 2019, 05:54

Plot is good but same thing asA G Darr wrote work on the tone, u should use past tense for Stories.

User avatar
RK98
Posts: 1
Joined: 03 Aug 2019, 16:17
Bookshelf Size: 0

Post by RK98 » 03 Aug 2019, 16:33

I really liked the concept of your story it kept me curious about the next occuring event but there is always a room for improvement if we look on the grammar part you can work on tenses and connecters to show transition from one idea to another so that it sounds more like a story rather than a compilation of sentences.overall the story was nice . —R.K

User avatar
Wanja Hannah
Posts: 164
Joined: 15 Jun 2019, 03:28
2019 Reading Goal: 30
2019 Reading Goal Completion: 20
Currently Reading: From Liberty to Magnolia: In Search of the American Dream
Bookshelf Size: 31
Reviewer Page: onlinebookclub.org/reviews/by-wanja-hannah.html
Latest Review: Dolphins Don’t Run Marathons by Sam Brand
Reading Device: 1400697484

Post by Wanja Hannah » 22 Aug 2019, 22:13

Try to incorporate some suspense in the story, maybe that way you can end up having a series of short stories. To me the story sounded so predictable. It was a nice one though.
Wanja Kenya

Post Reply

Return to “Creative Original Works: Short Stories”