What was his secret of his successful marriage life?

Use this forum to discuss the February 2021 Book of the month, "Dream For Peace: An Ambassador Memoir" by Dr.Ghoulem Berrah
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lavkathleen
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Re: What was his secret of his successful marriage life?

Post by lavkathleen »

Sushan wrote: 10 Feb 2021, 23:29 Indeed I agree. Good communication is well needed and well appreciated in a good relationship. If communication is good between the parties is a relationship, it will be healthy as well as long lasting. Being a diplomat, I believe that Dr. Berrah had a marvellous skill in communication and through his career he definitely might have developed it further as well. So with this basic quality which is needed for a relationship is being abundant, it is not a miracle to have such a long marriage life
I'd say you don't have to a diplomat to be good at communication but I think you have a point. Having to deal with all those people, trying to figure out their motives by reading between the lines and their body language, will really drive you to be better at it. Dr. Berrah also seems like someone who knows himself well and will try his best to convey his feelings and thoughts well.
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Post by Mtibza eM »

Love was their secret in their marriage. They loved, and respected each other. Each one had voice in the relationship. Dr. Berrah and his wife didn't strive to outshine each other, but worked together. Even though they had different religions, they respected each other by not interfering in each one's religion. When was praying, they respected that and gave each other space.
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Post by lavkathleen »

zainherb wrote: 11 Feb 2021, 05:07 Absolutely. I agree. Dr Berrah's wife must have carried half the load of keeping the marriage strong and carried it well.
Not many spouses can handle the demands of that kind of job.
And indeed, if one spouse is great and the other leaves a lot to be desired, that marriage can hardly survive.
So, yes, Dr Berrah's wife must have been equally awesome, if not more so.
And so it wasn't *his* secret, for the burden is carried by the two of them. Respect and communication is key, which includes understanding and support. I'd say it's compromising, doing your best to keep each other happy to make them stay.
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Post by lavkathleen »

OBC Reviewer wrote: 14 Feb 2021, 21:26 He respected women. With his religious beliefs and also his relationship with his mom led him to respect women. So definitely he had respected his wife as well as loved her. So, even he had a busy life with all of his diplomatic work, I think that his wife felt being loved and cherished by her husband. That could have been the reason for their long term marital relationship
He did on some level, I guess, but I don't think he respected women outside of what he learned from his religion and culture. The whole time I was reading the book, he confused me. One time he said something sexist, and then the next he suddenly mentions a woman from their armed struggle. I have a lot of questions, things that need clarifications, but nevertheless, I'm sure he made Titi feel immensely loved and cherished until his last breath.
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Post by SweetSourSalty AndSpicy »

The foundation of Dr. Berrrah's successful interfaith marriage was mutual respect and deep understanding. They both believe their faith is their personal relationship with their creator. They are both supportive of the different activities of their respective faith and are accountable to each other that they practice them diligently. Also, I think Dr. Berrah learned from his first marriage. It did not work out because they are always away on an assignment. The relationship did not have the time and the room to grow. So when he married Titi, he made sure they spent time and do things together, even when he is on a mission.
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Post by FaithMO19 »

I think it takes love and intention for two people to make a marriage work for that long. Surely, they must have experienced hardships and all, but they were intentional about making things work and they did. It's one of the things I admire about Dr. Berrah.
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Post by lavkathleen »

Sushan wrote: 15 Feb 2021, 00:29
OBC Reviewer wrote: 14 Feb 2021, 21:26 He respected women. With his religious beliefs and also his relationship with his mom led him to respect women. So definitely he had respected his wife as well as loved her. So, even he had a busy life with all of his diplomatic work, I think that his wife felt being loved and cherished by her husband. That could have been the reason for their long term marital relationship
That is a good point. If you respect and understand women, it is quite easy to have a long term relationship with them. Seemingly Dr. Berrah understood and respected his wife very well and he fulfilled her needs though he was in a busy and tough schedule. And it appears that his wife too understood him very well and that was the reason behind their long lasted rrelationship
For me, it's not just respect for women. It's respect for everyone in general. If you were "respectful of women" but pompous to anyone else, the marriage wouldn't last either. But Dr. Berrah is nothing if not humble and caring.
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Post by Sushan Ekanayake »

Mtibza eM wrote: 26 Feb 2021, 11:48 Love was their secret in their marriage. They loved, and respected each other. Each one had voice in the relationship. Dr. Berrah and his wife didn't strive to outshine each other, but worked together. Even though they had different religions, they respected each other by not interfering in each one's religion. When was praying, they respected that and gave each other space.
Respecting each other is an essential fact for a marriage. This is especially needed when both partners are more or less similar in their intelligence, fame, career, goals, etc. For some reason Dr. Berrah's initial marriages did not go well. But this one with an intelligent woman who was even from a different religion survived. That is definitely due to respecting each other along with loving each other
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Post by Sushan Ekanayake »

FaithMO19 wrote: 27 Feb 2021, 00:26 I think it takes love and intention for two people to make a marriage work for that long. Surely, they must have experienced hardships and all, but they were intentional about making things work and they did. It's one of the things I admire about Dr. Berrah.
That is a valid point. Nothing will work on its own unless you have the intent for it to happen and you work towards it. This is same for a marriage as well.

After failing twice in marriage life, it seems that Dr. Berrah has developed this intent and he had worked out what was lacking in his first two marriages. So he corrected those mistakes and faced his third marriage with a new strategy. And it was successful
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Post by lavkathleen »

Fola_M wrote: 15 Feb 2021, 19:39 I sincerely believe there are no hard and fast rules to this thing called marriage. Everyone has to figure out what works for them and go with the flow.

In Dr Berrah's case, he has the highest regard for women as evidenced by the love he has for his mother and wife. This respect translates into a happy home, thus allowing him to balance his busy professional life with his personal one.
I'll never forget the part where he described the ways that he spoiled his wife before they were even married. He would travel miles upon miles, it didn't matter if he had loads of work. He spent quality time with her. He remembered the little things, the food and objects she likes.
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Post by 63tty »

They definitely had their challenges. I think they just valued the sanctity of marriage. I think his wife was a major part of their successful marriage.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?”
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Post by Sushan Ekanayake »

63tty wrote: 27 Feb 2021, 23:33 They definitely had their challenges. I think they just valued the sanctity of marriage. I think his wife was a major part of their successful marriage.
I do believe the same. It was not Dr. Berrah's first marriage. Though it seems that he have changed by a bit since his failed two marriages, and have changed the strategies that he applied to keep the marriage life ongoing, a huge credit should be awarded to Mrs. Berrah. She should have understood the scope of work that her husband had to cope up with and she might have been a support to him rather than being either a responsibility or a burden. That might have been a major reason for their long lasted marriage life
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Post by Ngozi Onyibor »

zainherb wrote: 10 Feb 2021, 07:03 I think there is no particular secret. I think marriage is hard and full of pitfalls and people do what they can.
In Dr Berrah's case, he seems like a very outwardly loving and compassionate individual to his wife and treats her respectfully and I would think that this would be a huge advantage. It is also great that his mother and he have a great relationship, so this might help in many way.

However, every couple will still have to find what works for them and this is easier for some to do than others.
I agree with you. Lots of people employ unique methods (that might not necessarily work for others) to make their relationships work. And in searching for their secret recipe, we forget that we are all different people.
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Post by Sushan Ekanayake »

Michelle Fred wrote: 28 Feb 2021, 02:24
zainherb wrote: 10 Feb 2021, 07:03 I think there is no particular secret. I think marriage is hard and full of pitfalls and people do what they can.
In Dr Berrah's case, he seems like a very outwardly loving and compassionate individual to his wife and treats her respectfully and I would think that this would be a huge advantage. It is also great that his mother and he have a great relationship, so this might help in many way.

However, every couple will still have to find what works for them and this is easier for some to do than others.
I agree with you. Lots of people employ unique methods (that might not necessarily work for others) to make their relationships work. And in searching for their secret recipe, we forget that we are all different people.
Different people can adopt to different methods to have a lasting relationship. Maybe those tailor made methods are not applicable to anyone else. But nothing bad will happen by looking at a happily living couple and workout the reason behind their happiness, since it might be a guide for the one who is looking. This is the idea of people writing autobiographies and memoirs. What is the use of reading about someone else's life if we can't gain anything from it?

So if anyone can get something valuable from Dr. Berrah's long lasted marriage, that can be taken as a good use of this book
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Post by Ngozi Onyibor »

Sushan wrote: 28 Feb 2021, 11:38
Michelle Fred wrote: 28 Feb 2021, 02:24
zainherb wrote: 10 Feb 2021, 07:03 I think there is no particular secret. I think marriage is hard and full of pitfalls and people do what they can.
In Dr Berrah's case, he seems like a very outwardly loving and compassionate individual to his wife and treats her respectfully and I would think that this would be a huge advantage. It is also great that his mother and he have a great relationship, so this might help in many way.

However, every couple will still have to find what works for them and this is easier for some to do than others.
I agree with you. Lots of people employ unique methods (that might not necessarily work for others) to make their relationships work. And in searching for their secret recipe, we forget that we are all different people.
Different people can adopt to different methods to have a lasting relationship. Maybe those tailor made methods are not applicable to anyone else. But nothing bad will happen by looking at a happily living couple and workout the reason behind their happiness, since it might be a guide for the one who is looking. This is the idea of people writing autobiographies and memoirs. What is the use of reading about someone else's life if we can't gain anything from it?

So if anyone can get something valuable from Dr. Berrah's long lasted marriage, that can be taken as a good use of this book
When it pertains to marriage, I don't think people should fixate on the secret of another's successful union. We are all unique and different things make us tick; applying cues from the relationship of disparate individuals might not always work for us - the operative word here is "might".

Indeed, we can gain a lot from reading about the life of others, but following in their footsteps is no guarantee that we would get the same results that they did. The beauty of it is that we can pick what we need and discard the rest.
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